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Pic by Marcel Lanteigne

“Grace is what matters in anything – especially life, especially growth, tragedy, pain, love, death. That’s a quality that I admire very greatly. It keeps you from reaching out for the gun too quickly. It keeps you from destroying things too foolishly. It sort of keeps you alive.”

– Jeff Buckley

Rolling around in bed of a Sunday, I met the day with the usual thoughts: yesterday’s news, the past, the future, today’s todo list, music, the record, the book. More present than these was a terrible level of chronic pain and whether or not I have a future playing live music. I watched a YouTube short of artists from Robert Plant and Jimmy Page, to Chris Cornell, to Brandi Carlile, to Adam Levine, talking about the late Jeff Buckley’s influence and incandescent glow. The clip ended with Buckley himself saying the first few words of the quote above. Not long after I sat down in the window at the local to start this writing, I came upon the full quote. Undoubtedly, someone had asked him why he called his debut album Grace. There is was, in full form, after my seeing snippet of it just hours ago.

I chose it today because of it’s timeliness. I’m on the verge of releasing Stereophile, my record and small format book that’s been, mostly due to stress and trauma-based chronic pain, the longest process I’ve experienced seeing a project from start to finish. That I’ve made it this far is a massive victory. In the face of daily adversity, I did it. I’m not without a huge sense of gratitude and pride that it’s all come together so wonderfully. The current issue lies elsewhere.

Earlier in the year, I did two shows. They checked all the boxes: connection, vibration and decent pay. The latter is an often shat upon aspect of art. The commercialism of it. The “desire” for money in exchange for scraping the guts from the skin of our souls, collating it all within a song and sending it out there, with a hope for connection and validation. With the pain I was experiencing, along with my day gig, parental engagement, domestic requirements, and the record and book hanging unfinished from the bleak February trees, it was too much. I took a step away from the live stuff.

As the record got closer to completion, I revisited the live thang. I started tweaking my live rig, simplifying everything. Getting back to the very foundation of the solo acoustic troubadour (plus some dub delays thrown in for cosmic measure). The setlist was revamped. I added some new songs to the running order. I say new songs, meaning these are new to me. I realize none of you have heard Stereophile yet, so those songs are new to you. I’ve been living with them for so long and they’ve been in studio process for so long that, in the meantime, new joints were written. I’m never short of fodder for the mill. It’s all good stuff. The new songs make the setlist that much stronger.

While all this was happening there was, in the back of my mind, the little voice, asking me whether or not all this preparation was going to come to anything. I’ve not yet parsed out if it was the kind, authentic voice or the voice of trauma and discord disguised as a helping hand. Whatever the case, I’m very much aware that I’ve learned to distrust my body’s ability to muster the energy required to deliver a killer live show. To give every ounce to the music and not feel afterwards the mingling of joy for being where I should be, doing what I love, with feeling like I’ve been rolled over by a tank. In the moment, there is no pain. I’m in the music. It’s only post gig that I feel my body and brain collapsing.

The usual default is that this is old guy shit. That’s not the case here. I aware enough to know the difference between the possible limitations and afflictions of age and the underlying forces causing my chronic issues. I’ve been smart enough, after years of booze and drugs, to start taking care of myself. It’s an insight into how insipid stress is, and how both experienced and generational trauma can make a mess of good things.

I recently went to see an osteopath, whose work is intuitive and deep. I’ve seen her twice and it’s so far promising. I can feel shifts. I’ve also recently dialed back the pain meds I’ve been relying on daily for a few years. It was going well, until it wasn’t. I was limping across the finish line at the tail end of this week.

It’s been a weekend of reflection and making lots of music. I’ve been pickin’ like a hero and also leaning back and breathing. It’s my daughter Ava’s eleventh birthday this week. I had a ball going out and getting her prezzies, then wrapping them yesterday. There’s so much good in my life. I’m surrounded by abundance and Love, in this mad age where we blunder along, so often lost in survival mode and all manner of distraction.

I hit our local park two weeks ago, on a tired afternoon, knowing that I needed to sing. I packed up the busking rig and headed across the road. Barefoot, I let ‘er rip. It was so good. It was the reminder I needed. I was doing what I was put here for. I’ve been back out a few times since. I’ve met a bunch of folks who confirmed and validated me. They reflected back to me what I was offering. I left each experience higher that I’d been prior.

That high has always been there, after every show, after all these years. It’s a constant. I know any of you out there who play music for people know what I’m talking about. I’m not sure what the future holds. I’m afraid. Afraid to commit to a string of live dates in the face of the distrust I feel for my physical wherewithal to see it through. I don’t feel a pull towards being a digital creator. Real time is where it’s at, where we see and feel each other. Meeting, music, smiles, hugs, farewells until next time. This is the stuff.

I’ll keep on going like it’s going to happen. The live set will continue to develop. I’ll continue to look for friends/players who want to form a musical gang and play shows together. I’ll keep working on managing the sometimes unmanageable pain. With courage, humour and, hopefully, grace, I’ll rise to meet the road ahead.

Thanks for reading.

K. xo

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Father, why are all the children weeping?
They are merely crying son
Oh, are they merely crying, father?
Yes, true weeping is yet to come

                         – Nick Cave, The Weeping Song

I bunked off work early, the strains of the week pulling at my spirit, headlong into Friday’s reprieve; the wages of love, parenthood and finishing Stereophile jostling for the top spot on the neverending to do list. The plan: To kick back for a few, then head down the hall and finish mixing the last of the premasters for the record. The reality: With chronic pain at the redline, a few hours flat out in a haze of medically approved cannabis oil, searching the interwebs for musical redemption.

After a YouTube trip into Live At KEXP and NPR Tiny Desk Concert land, I came across Kingdom In The Sky: Nick Cave and Warren Ellis Live At Hanging Rock. It’s a forty-two minute doc and live performance from their show there last year. I was curious, but reserved. The setting at Hanging Rock is beautiful and these two chaps are both amazing musicians, but I’ve been a bit put off Nick after reading about his late-found Christian zeal.

I’ve loved Nick Cave for many, many years. I was turned on to him when he was well into his career with the Bad Seeds. I feel blessed to have grown with him over the years. In the time I’ve been listening to his music I’ve watched us both evolve. He’s become a kinder, more compassionate human being, with a wonderful perspective on humanity.

Not too long ago, I saw a clip of Cave at his Q&A tour and someone asked him about religion. His answer had to do with all of us reaching for something. It was eloquently profound and applied to all. Shortly thereafter, I read an interview where he talked about his Christian acceptance. I happened to be listening to one of his records at the time and it hit differently. All the aspects that felt like questions about Christianity now felt like devout proclamations. I said earlier that I’ve been put off, but I think, more accurately, I’m struggling to find a place for it, for the obvious reason that many of us find aspects of Christianity and the church questionable, and I am one of those.

I’ve often looked to Christ for guidance myself, though without the dogmatic trappings and hypocrisy of the institution that bears His name. I’ve often wanted to find comfort in the church, or something like it, for a foundation in which to live my life when the storm feels so relentless. Who that seeks understanding wouldn’t want a harbour so safe as this?

It occurs to me that Nick’s Jesus thing might be the prime mover in his evolution and greater kindness as he ages. I know others to which this happens without religion, but I don’t know many of us who have gone through the great tragedies of losing a teenaged son and then losing a grown son only a few years later. Nick Cave lived these sorrows publicly, with rare grace and courage. The former tragedy spawned the record, Ghosteen, which is a work of unspeakable beauty. Cave and Ellis close the Hanging Rock show with the song Ghosteen Speaks, where Nick sings, in the spectral voice of his late son “I am beside you, I am beside you…”

All this said, I hit play last night, not sure I’d make it through much of the show, but wanted to give it a go. I was almost immediately enraptured and riveted, without even realizing it. The delivery, the feeling, Warren and Nick’s love for each other, Nick smiling at the band and the backup singers, Colin Greenwood from Radiohead on bass. Throughout the concert there are cutaway interviews with folks at the show, most of whom echo my own feelings of being there all along for Nick’s growth, as an artist and human being. It was beautiful.

Years ago, on the eve of going to have my first record mastered, I had a dream where Nick and I were sitting in a pub somewhere, in a horseshoe shaped booth of the deepest red velvet and black wood. He looked at me and said “So, you’re going Hollywood?” I didn’t know what he meant, but thought it was cool to have a dream where we were hanging out. Turns out the studio I’d booked was abruptly commercial and managed by someone full of himself, who was blathering on about some Hollywood starlet who had just been in to try her hand at being a singer. Nick had given me the heads up.

Since then, he’s visited me overnight a few times. It happened again last night. He and I were wandering through field, farmland, and country roads, talking quietly together. He was leading the way the entire time, as though showing me the way. We parted at a petrol station, where he jumped on a Vespa and sped off down the road, muttering something about having to get back to work.

I’m so thankful for the gift of writing. As I write this, I feel a greater understanding. There’s so much in our dreams. And so much in our judgement of others. There’s so much we know inherently, but it’s not physical or cognitive, so it goes unrecognized while we try so hard to fit the mould of a world that’s been set up so fucking backwards. Our magic is beaten out of us from the time we are born. We are taught to forget: We are Divine.

I chose today’s quote, from the Bad Seeds The Weeping Song, for two reasons. The band did a bang up version of the song at the concert, with a newly minted groove, but also because of this particular verse. I think it’s only as more experienced beings that we feel true, deep sadness, in the face of all that we’ve lost and all that we long to return to.

Love,

K. xo

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“La Niña de Los Peines had to tear apart her voice, because she knew experts were listening, who demanded not form but the marrow of form, pure music with a body lean enough to float on air. She had to rob herself of skill and safety: that is to say, banish her Muse, and be helpless, so her duende might come, and deign to struggle with her at close quarters. And how she sang! Her voice no longer at play, her voice a jet of blood, worthy of her pain and her sincerity, opened like a ten-fingered hand as in the feet, nailed there but storm-filled, of a Christ by Juan de Juni.”

– Federico Garcia Lorca, Obras Completas, Vol. 1

The passage above, from Lorca’s complete works, is preceded, in context, by the Spanish singer Pastora Pavon (La Nina) delivering a technique-perfect, but soulless round of songs to a crowd of the who’s who of the scenesters of the day. The audience sat quiet and still. No applause. Nothing. Nonina, as they say in Andalusia. Someone from the audience stands up from behind his brandy bottle and says ‘Here ability is not important, nor technique, nor skill. What matters here is something other.’

Pastora then digs deep, lets go, and lets loose.

I’ve only scratched the surface of Lorca’s vast beauty. What I do know of his work is wrapped in glorious romance, sadness and bravery. Everything I’ve experienced of his writing and life takes my breath away. It was he that introduced me to the concept of duende. The translation of the Spanish duende, to English, is elf. I love that, because elves, but it means so much more. Lorca refers to it this way:

“With idea, sound or gesture, the duende enjoys fighting the creator to the very rim of the well…the duende wounds. In the healing of that wound which never closes lies the invented strange qualities of an artist’s work.”

– Sidebar!: I’m sitting at my local, which I’m always sitting at when I write. A guy came in earlier, seeing a pic of Jimmy Carter on the wall while he was passing by. He came in and started talking to everyone in the cafe about Jimmy Carter pardoning all the American draft dodgers of the Vietnam war. He spoke to one of the folks sitting here who happened to be a U.S. war vet. They had an excellent conversation about the currently morbid state of America (See what I did there? Groaaaannn). He named all the Jimmies on the walls, except for the one hanging behind me. I told him it was Jimmy Page. He thanked us for our smiles and disappeared to go get his haircut by George, our local Greek barber, only to return a while later, hair intact because George is closed today. He told the ladies that work here that, because he came in with a Timmie’s cup earlier, he wanted to come back and do them a solid and buy a cup from them. Solid character, that. He and I talked for a good half hour about motorbikes (Triumph vs. Harley and the shaft drive on his ‘83 Honda Goldwing) and English history. This man, Toby by name, and an Englishman by way of Ireland, has a deep knowledge of the Brit’s legacy. Fascinating. Turns out he’s a local. I hope I see more of him. I also kinda hope he doesn’t get his hair cut. He’s got an epic topknot. I love this stuff; our connections. My morning here has been peppered with visits from locals that I call friends. I would say I digress, but I won’t, because this stuff is what makes our lives amazing. So, back to duende…

It’s on my radar, this ancient thing, while I tussle with a modern problem…social media. The first time I heard about Facebook, I thought “No good can come of this”. Now, all these years later, it feels like the damage social media has done to us outweighs the good it’s wrought. My hunch was accurate.

My social numbers have never been great. I’m in the process of yet another attempt to reattune myself to going fully into them, to promote Stereophile, my new record and accompanying small format book. I’m told that the reason for my low numbers is the irregularity with which I post. I get that. I also get, and I’ve said it before, that art should not be reduced to content. We’re all struggling so hard to produce, produce, produce. FOMO. Keep that shit going, or fall by the wayside while the true hustlers get Instafamous. Malarkey. What this constant need to produce has resulted in is a lot of disposable, disingenuous shite, borne of a desperation to go viral in a world where the arts, especially music, have been decimated. There is little duende in the social media landscape. A lack of grit, shadow or depth. I don’t think that’s news. Liam Gallagher said recently that everything is beige. Artists I know who have great followings see the socials as an albatross around their necks. A tiresome, necessary evil. They’re a drag on art.

A week ago I had my finger on the DELETE trigger of my IG and FB. My site analytics gave me pause. Lo! Traffic was up, due to me consistently composing and posting my writings. I’ve spent the week researching the best way to take a solid crack at the crazy game of online promo. To find the most effective, efficient way to get the goods out, that leaves more time to create and hang out with family and friends. A friend is helping get this together and we’re discussing her coming on board to help manage the promo regularly. This weekend I had a first rehearsal with a rhythm section of two fine chaps (more on them later). The team is growing, which is amazing for me and long overdue. I’ve felt isolated for a while now, having others to create with feels wonderful. Moreover, having pals to hang with is giving me all the good fuzzies.

The music is going great, that’s what matters most. At least it does to me. I don’t care much anymore for wearing all the hats that a modern singer/songwriter is expected to wear. I’m still not sure how the social monkey business will go. When a certain mood comes on, I find my fingers again hovering over the delete buttons. Whatever the case, I hope I can make my way into and through this vapid online wormhole with some sense of substance. To strike a fine balance between consistency and art. To do battle with the dark elf and pin the little fucker to the mat, and then sing about it, honouring the wound that heals but never closes.

I’ll keep you posted (See what I did there again? Groaaaannnn).

K. xo

ps. Here’s a link to the full piece that I pinched Lorca’s quotes from:

https://www.poetryintranslation.com/PITBR/Spanish/LorcaDuende.php